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Vulnerable

By far, this will be my most personal post in all of my blogs. Usually, I talk about anything that could give some insights for my readers, but for this time being, it will really be personal. This is not to make a scene or to pry on every detail cause there’s no need.

Those who know me or who deal with me everyday for sure would say I’m either a jolly person, faithful, strong or a go-to adviser / motivator. For the past few weeks, this self turned upside down. In three words, I’m not ok. In all humility, I’m currently broken.

With all due respect, I won’t go thru every detail. What is certain is this person you see to be happy, inspired and strong is going thru a tough time. I’m taking the courage to say this cause I don’t want to give you an ideal or perfect image of myself. Just like the rest of us, I am vulnerable too.

I’m sure some in their minds will tell me to either ‘snap out of it’ or ‘move on’. The latter two words is definitely going to be hard. For now, I guess it will be a phase of making myself better, sharing the love and living for others. It will be a phase of taking courage and risks in my life, no matter how big or small these are. Replacements just to get over the one you love (and while you are in pain) has never been my style. No need for you guys to keep reiterating this.

I know there will come a time I will still cry and go thru that pain all the more. Frankly, this is the only time in my life I’ve not been anticipating much for a turn to the coming year. Usually, I am the kind (and my closest friends know this) who would always say “sana next year na para…ganito…ganyan…”. But for now, all I can do is just lift my brave prayers to the Supreme Being to heal me one day at a time and to let His power and love take over my heart and my situation.

Despite this, the gratitude because of love is still there. Each day is a struggle but still I’m taking it one day at a time. Instead of building up anger, I choose to be kind and patient, to understand and to trust (even if time will come the other might show otherwise). Some would probably say “sayang”…Let me post it out loud, “sa tunay na nagmamahal walang sayang kasi binigay mo kung pano nararapat para sa kanya. masasayang lang sya kung sa taong mabibigyan, pano nya ito tatanggapin at pahahalagahan”. Before, I used to think reason this happened is because I am not worthy or I am not enough. In a way, the words of encouragement I get from attending the Feast every Sunday made me wake up to realize…actually, I am enough. I have thoughts about this but again as I said earlier, no further details.

To my friends and readers, all I would ask is for your prayers, support and listening ears when I feel to be at my lowest or I just need to keep going. I really am being brutally honest next year will be my toughest year, so those three I just mentioned will be of big help.

To God, as my words and thoughts are all mixed up now, you know me too well..I’m just lifting them all to You.

“At any given time and if time or circumstances lead to cross our paths again, no regrets and no matter what others will say, I will take the risk and courage to love (the person).”

To you, I’ve personally said much..You know it so well..The love will remain, no matter what..

Forever and always,

Calai

Author

calaithewriter@gmail.com

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